Warning: The Hormones of Menopause May Cause Havoc
There are bad days. There are weird days. And then there are days when menopause takes the wheel, throws out the map, sets fire to your logic, and yells “YOLO!” from the backseat.
Welcome to a Wednesday in the life of Helen “Hormones & Havoc” Hartley.
A day so backwards, it deserves its own parade — with upside-down floats, confused clowns, and mood swings every 15 minutes.
Let’s rewind the tape and take a walk through Helen’s gloriously disastrous day, where nothing made sense, everything was personal, and scissors were used for revenge.
6:00 AM: The Closet Cleanse That Cleansed Too Hard
Helen woke up with ambition. She was going to declutter. KonMari her life. Start fresh.
Instead, she rage-purged 90% of her wardrobe after trying on one pair of jeans that called her muffin top by name.
“YOU WANT SIMPLE JOY, MARIE KONDO? HOW ABOUT SIMPLY NOTHING LEFT TO WEAR?”
She stuffed bags with bras that had betrayed her, leggings that screamed at her thighs, and one unfortunate blouse that had the audacity to cling.
She stood victorious, surrounded by trash bags.
Then she realized she was now the proud owner of one bra, two mismatched socks, and a vintage t-shirt that said “Ask Me About My Crippling Anxiety.”
8:15 AM: Spot. Removed. Literally.
Paul, her ever-supportive husband, handed her a shirt with a tiny ketchup stain.
“Can you get this spot out?” he asked.
Helen, already on her third emotional gear shift of the morning, took scissors to it.
“Spot’s gone,” she said, holding up a perfect hole.
Paul blinked. “That’s… effective.”
She patted his cheek and said, “You’re welcome, darling. Next time, wear a bib.”
9:00 AM: The Minty Fresh Laundry Apocalypse
In an effort to make up for the Shirt Incident, Helen tackled the laundry.
Except she poured half a jar of Epsom salt (peppermint scented) into the washer instead of detergent.
Everything came out smelling like a candy cane had a mental breakdown.
The sheets now tingle. Paul said his bath towel “burns like judgment.”
11:00 AM: Emailing in the Twilight Zone
She meant to email her friend Cheryl about lunch.
Instead, she messaged her dentist.
Subject Line: “Let’s meet. I need you.”
Followed by: “I can’t wait to feel your energy and let loose again.”
The reply: “Ms. Hartley, we’re just cleaning teeth. Please don’t bring wine.”
12:30 PM: Chaos Casserole
Helen decided to meal prep.
The result: a culinary nightmare made of ground turkey, chia seeds, pickles, oatmeal, and three mystery spice packets.
She dubbed it Hormone Hash.
Paul dubbed it slop and wished they had pigs to throw it to.
The dog sniffed it and backed away like one more sniff would make him throw up & keel over.
2:00 PM: Gardening…ish
Helen meant to water the plants. Instead, she washed the neighbor’s sedan.
With the hose. While it was running. With the sunroof open.
A 10-year-old in the backseat made eye contact.
“You’re welcome,” she said. “Imagine you were at a Water Park.”
3:15 PM: Fashion Breakdown
Having nothing wearable left, Helen put on:
- a sequined Christmas sweater
- pajama pants with coffee stains
- one orthopedic sandal and one Croc
She called it “chaotic neutral.”
At Walgreens, she walked in and declared: “I need estrogen and a candy bar. In that order.”
The cashier whispered, “having a bad day?”
5:00 PM: Crying Over Spilled… Floor Wax
Back home, Helen sat down and saw a commercial for laminate polish.
“Look how glossy that floor is,” she wept. “I used to be glossy.”
Paul tried to console her with a hug.
“Don’t touch me. I’m grieving.”
“What are you grieving?”
“My waist. My ability to wear jeans. My frontal cortex.” “And most of all, the fact that I used to be glossy and slippery wet, like that newly waxed floor.”
6:30 PM: Redemption by Ridiculousness
At the end of it all, Helen found herself surrounded by the wreckage of a perfectly unhinged day.
Laundry steaming minty from the dryer. A casserole no one dared name or eat. A shirt with a window where a pocket used to be.
She sat, sipped wine (real this time), and laughed. Deep, wheezy, joyful snorts.
“Maybe I’m losing my mind,” she said.
Paul sat next to her. “Maybe. But you’re doing it with style.”
Tell Us: Have You Had a Helen Day?
Have you trimmed your bangs with kitchen scissors? Used deodorant instead of hairspray? Called your kid by the dog’s name?
Tell us your Hormonal Havoc moment below.
Here at Menopause Mega Mayhem, we celebrate the chaos, laugh at the symptoms, and survive one absurd moment at a time.
Hormones may take our sanity… but they can’t take our sense of humor.